Toxic Family

 You know, I remember growing up in a loving family. Where has that unconditional love gone?

I can't even pinpoint a place or time when it all fell apart. 

Could it be when my cousin decided that a woman he had known less than a year was worth ruining the familial relationship between us? Could it be when I first moved out from under my mother's roof? Could it be when my cousins were lost to us in a pond; too young and much too soon? Could it be when I told my Mother about what was being done to me and she didn't believe me? Could it be when my parents split? Could it be so much sooner than that? Could it be that my family was never what I perceived it to be in the first place?

I hurt; emotionally, physically and mentally. I wish I could be "normal"; whatever that means. Doctors aren't helping and I'm slowly losing myself to the void that's been growing in me for so long that I can't remember what it is like to not feel like this. I have been silently crying within myself for so long that I don't know how to do so outside of myself. 

I don't want to die, but it's getting harder and harder to remind myself of that. 

If God loves me so much, then why do I hate myself so much more? 

I'm getting tired of silently crying and trying to "fix" myself and failing all the time. 

I can understand why people commit suicide and I am running out of reasons not to do the same.

CAS